Well my apologies to the participants on the err, lack of response. It is no lack on the part of your entries, but rather a mere lack of a wide enough audience for your amazing stories. I have failed you as a host! I am riddled with guilt! But since I have an unhealthy love for 'Galaxy Quest' and frequently invoke 'Never give up, never surrender!' as my mantra, I shall rectify this!
I will take part in this Query Letter Blogfest, in a sly, sneaky, wily AND TOTALLY SUBTLE attempt to direct more blog traffic my way and to your fabulous stories! I'M ONLY DOING IT FOR YOU!
I'm such a giver, y'all. It's crazy.
Anyways, here's the pitch portion of my query letter for Dust to Dust, which I have arbitrarily decided to begin querying with on Friday, because well, I'm arbitrary like that. Please hack it to shreds, because its way too long, and I'm not sure where to tighten. I suck at killing my darlings. Unless its characters. Those I can kill no sweat. So apparently, I'm only sociopathic when it comes to people, not words. Who knew?
*****
All Micah wants for his sixteenth birthday is his family together to celebrate it with him. Easy in theory – until you factor in the curse that compels all nine Braddock children to try and kill each other on sight.
Once Micah would have laughed at the idea any of his brothers or sisters would ever hurt him. Sure, they had their squabbles. Trent was kind of an asshole. Alice always had her nose in everyone’s business, Serena thought she was better than everyone else, and Rowan never could figure out when his jokes weren’t funny and he needed to shut the hell up. But secrets bond kids tighter than mere blood ever could, and nothing makes for a better secret than growing up with magic.
They didn’t know where it came from, why it never worked the same way twice. Cam thought it was alive. They opened a door to let it out, and once it came through it did whatever it wanted. Each Braddock sibling opened the door with a different ‘key’ – Megan’s magic used fingerprints, Alice’s mirrors, the others shadows, blood, tears, echoes, coins, pictures and dust. Sometimes shadows made Trent invisible, other times they carried him halfway around the world. Sometimes Katey could make people hear voices that weren’t there, other times she was like a living echo, barely there herself. It was magic. It wasn’t supposed to make sense. So they let it be and just enjoyed the ride.
Then Katey came home broken one night two years ago. The first victim of the curse that led to them hunting each other across the globe in a deadly version of hide and go seek. But even as she shattered windows with the echoes of thunder, broke their mother’s sanity under the weight of a million whispered voices wailing for her ears alone, they looked for no further explanation. It’d been foolish of them to reap its rewards without thinking they’d ever pay a price, and now the magic had come to collect.
Micah would give anything to go back to the way things were, but two years on his own have taught him some things are too good to be true. Then Trent and Serena tell him there’s another family with the magic out there. Who view them as rivals, and unleashed this curse on them in hopes they’d take each other out. Who even stole their memories of their father and why they are the way they are. There are answers. A way to undo the curse and have their family back. An enemy they can fight. Vengeance. Absolution. A return to innocence.
And all it takes is trusting the family that’s spent the last two years trying to kill him.
Some things, not even magic can do.
A YA fantasy complete at 85,000 words, Dust to Dust is a story about growing up too fast, finding the strength to forgive, and loving your family even after they hurt you more than anyone else ever could.
*******
Now off to comment on other query letter entries, entries in Ebyss's contest, finish this chapter of Gilt so I can ship it off to Anne Marie before her fearsome shark icon swallows me whole in one big gulp, and do a million bajillion other things. Like, the six auditions I have this week. After the five I had last week. I don't know WHAT is going on there, btw, as pilot season is in full swing and there's not supposed to be anywhere NEAR this many roles casting right now, and its all very bizarre and I'm very confuzzled and a wee bit sick. And two of the auditions this week are dance auditions. This does not bode well. LOL. Oh well.
Speaking of, a couple of people were talking to me along those lines earlier, so I thought I'd throw it out there. What do you guys think? Do you like your writing blogs popping up in your google readers or what have you with actual writing content, or do you like some diversifying? I've been trying to keep the blog relatively free of the acting side of things since I didn't consider it relevant to what most of you are drifting around the blogosphere, but if there is actual interest in the random day to day crap that goes along with being an aspiring/semi-working actor, I'm happy to ramble along those lines as well. Particularly if anyone has any specific questions or areas they've ever wondered about how things work, or something like that.
LOL. You are totally a giver xD
ReplyDeleteFirst - and I know you probably know this - this query is REALLY long. Almost 500 words. Query Shark says 250 words or thereabouts so I will trust in Query Shark.
Having said that, I LOVE IT. >_>;;; *useless* Okay, seriously though, love all the back story, all the examples of magic, but they really do need to be cut and condensed.
That second paragraph could easily just be: Once, Micah would have laughed at the idea any of his brothers or sisters would ever hurt him. Sure, they had their squabbles, but secrets bond kids tighter than mere blood ever could, and nothing makes for a better secret than growing up with magic.
Also, since Micah is the MC, try to limit the number of names you introduce in the query. I know all the kids will probably be important, but focus on Micah to keep it...er, focused lol.
Third paragraph:
They didn’t know where it came from, why it never worked the same way twice. Sometimes shadows made Micah's brother invisible, other times they carried him halfway around the world. Sometimes his sister Katey could make people hear voices that weren’t there, other times she was like a living echo, barely there herself. It was magic. It wasn’t supposed to make sense. So they let it be and just enjoyed the ride.
Could probably cut even more there BUT IT'S JUST SO ENTERTAINING.
The point is, I think you need to get to the conflict sooner. But I'm pretty sure an agent would probably still read through it b/c it's INTERESTINGGGG.
I think this sounds like a really fascinating story, but this query is way too long and you introduce way too many characters. Don't use all the siblings names; you can introduce the idea of their differences without using names.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you should focus it on Micah and his journey, not on the others. If you do that, you should be able to shorten this at least a little.
But based on this, I'd read it. But then, I'm a sucker for stories about siblings, even those who want to kill each other.
You guys are TOTALLY right! Rock on! Beginning changes! LOL and yeah, I ALWAYS overwrite and have to trim like crazy! Even in my queries apparently!
ReplyDeleteQueries!! I love queries. I think you have a good start here, but I agree with the others, it's way too long. Aim for two paragraphs, maybe three. It looks more like a synopsis at the moment. (Which is actually kind of useful, because then you won't have to do as much work on that... hah!)
ReplyDeleteHere's my comments/suggestions. My thoughts in bold, suggested deletions in italics, additions between asterisks.
Because wow, does Blogger ever fail at HTML.
All Micah wants for his sixteenth birthday is his family together to celebrate it with him. Easy in theory – until you factor in the curse that compels all nine Braddock children to try and kill each other on sight.
This is a fantastic opening. We immediately feel sympathy for your MC and we're launched right into the hook of the story.
Once Micah would have laughed at the idea any of his brothers or sisters would ever hurt him. Sure, they had their squabbles. Trent was kind of an asshole. Alice always had her nose in everyone’s business, Serena thought she was better than everyone else, and Rowan never could figure out when his jokes weren’t funny and he needed to shut the hell up. But secrets bond kids tighter than mere blood ever could, and nothing makes for a better secret than growing up with magic.
Now you're launching into backstory/explaining. We don't need any of this. You've set up your MC and given us a hook: now show us how the story starts. What's your inciting event?
I'd also watch out with lines like the last one in that paragraph. Based on the scenes you've posted on this book, your MC has a strong, fun voice. This line in the query sounds... author-y.
They didn’t know where it came from, why it never worked the same way twice. Cam thought it was alive. They opened a door to let it out, and once it came through it did whatever it wanted. Each Braddock sibling opened the door with a different ‘key’ – Megan’s magic used fingerprints, Alice’s mirrors, the others shadows, blood, tears, echoes, coins, pictures and dust. Sometimes shadows made Trent invisible, other times they carried him halfway around the world. Sometimes Katey could make people hear voices that weren’t there, other times she was like a living echo, barely there herself. It was magic. It wasn’t supposed to make sense. So they let it be and just enjoyed the ride.
Again, backstory and explaining. You can just add a single line to your first paragraph that they all have different powers with different effects. You don't need to give a who's who -- you can just give one or two examples of the cool powers and maybe sneak in a line about Micah's own dust-related powers. Don't explain, and try to use your MC's voice.
(To be continued. Stupid character limit.)
Then Katey came home broken one night two years ago. The first victim of the curse that led to them hunting each other across the globe in a deadly version of hide and go seek. But even as she shattered windows with the echoes of thunder, broke their mother’s sanity under the weight of a million whispered voices wailing for her ears alone, they looked for no further explanation. It’d been foolish of them to reap its rewards without thinking they’d ever pay a price, and now the magic had come to collect.
ReplyDeleteBackstory. It's not important that we know the timeline of how they got their powers, what they did with them, how they found out about the curse, and wht they think about it. All we need to know are the facts that they *have* powers and that there's a curse. You have only two paragraphs. Every line needs to work extra hard to earn its keep.
Also, the voice seems too dramatic for your MC. I haven't read the book so I might be wrong, but it seems a little overwrought for a self-deprecating sixteen-year-old kid.
Micah would give anything to go back to the way things were, but two years on his own have taught him some things are too good to be true.
Two years on his own -- good. That's interesting information. It tells us more about him and helps with the sympathy. I'm not quite sure what the 'too good to be true' is supposed to refer to, though.
Then Trent and Serena tell him there’s another family with the magic out there. Who view them as rivals, and unleashed this curse on them in hopes they’d take each other out.
This is your inciting event. This needs to go all the way up there. Cut the names, though -- just use 'his siblings' or whatever.
Who even stole their memories of their father and why they are the way they are. There are answers. A way to undo the curse and have their family back. An enemy they can fight. Vengeance. Absolution. A return to innocence.
I'm torn about this. Again, the voice doesn't seem to fit with your MC -- it's a little overboard, mostly the last part -- but this is good information. Can you rework it in Micah's voice?
And all it takes is trusting the family that’s spent the last two years trying to kill him.
This is good, but since the last family we heard of was the rival family, this threw me for a bit. Can you rephrase to clarify?
Some things, not even magic can do.
I'm not so sure about this line. I don't think you need it; the one before is a more powerful one to end on.
***DUST TO DUST is*** a YA fantasy complete at 85,000 words, Dust to Dust is a story about growing up too fast, finding the strength to forgive, and loving your family even after they hurt you more than anyone else ever could.
Agents tend not to want that kind of information. They don't want to know themes -- they want a good story.
(Dude, you should've read the query I wrote -- but thankfully never sent -- for my first book. I went on about the themes for like a full paragraph.)
Basically, I think this could be fabulous and get you TONS of hits. All you need is to cut all the extraneous info and rework what's left into your character's voice. It's super strong, so that shouldn't be any problem for you. Agents love voice, so capitalize on that!
Sorry if any of this is harsh. You know I crit with love, right? <3
I thought about it more and I think you could do with a little extra about the story. Right now we have:
ReplyDelete1) Establishing your situation/character: Micah + homicidal superpowered siblings
2) Inciting incident: He finds out another family is responsible for the curse and has information they need
We know he needs to team up with his family, but I think a few lines of their actual goal or actions would help. What do they do about the situation, exactly? I don't have a real idea of what the book would look like after the revelation of the rival family, which I assume happens somewhere in the first 30 pages like most inciting incidents.
Also! I would be totally interested in reading more about the acting thing.
Oh! I forgot to add that I would totally want to read more about the acting side of your life :D
ReplyDeleteOkay, I'm going to copy and paste this in, and then give specific ideas on where to cut, because there are definitely some points that seem too wordy to me.
ReplyDelete______________
All Micah wants for his sixteenth birthday is his family together to celebrate it with him. Easy in theory – until you factor in the curse that compels all nine Braddock children to try and kill each other on sight.
I love this opening. It's strong and a great hook. Well done.
Once Micah would have laughed at the idea any of his brothers or sisters would ever hurt him. Sure, they had their squabbles. Trent was kind of an asshole. Alice always had her nose in everyone’s business, Serena thought she was better than everyone else, and Rowan never could figure out when his jokes weren’t funny and he needed to shut the hell up. I'd cut everything in italics. It's extra and, while flavorful, it's beyond the hook. But secrets bond kids tighter than mere blood ever could, and nothing makes for a better secret than growing up with magic.
1/3
They didn’t know where it came from, or why it never worked the same way twice. Cam Who's Cam? I thought this was Micah's story. thought it was alive. They opened a door to let it out, and once it came through it did whatever it wanted. Each Braddock sibling opened the door with a different ‘key’ – Megan’s magic used fingerprints, Alice’s mirrors, the others shadows, blood, tears, echoes, coins, pictures and dust. Sometimes shadows made Trent invisible, other times they carried him halfway around the world. Sometimes Katey could make people hear voices that weren’t there, other times she was like a living echo, barely there herself. It was magic. It wasn’t supposed to make sense. So they let it be and just enjoyed the ride. Again, I like the details, but it might be too much for a query, not too mention too many characters. Who are all these people? Again, I thought this was Micah's story since he's the opening character.
ReplyDeleteThen Katey I'm still pushing for this to be Micah's query, which makes this a POV shift. came home broken one night two years ago. The first victim of the curse that led to them hunting each other across the globe in a deadly version of hide and go seek.Where's the verb in this sentence? But even as she shattered windows with the echoes of thunder, broke their mother’s sanity under the weight of a million whispered voices wailing for her ears alone, they looked for no further explanation. It’d been foolish of them to reap its rewards without thinking they’d ever pay a price, and now the magic had come to collect. Nice!
2/3
Micah would give anything to go back to the way things were, but two years on his own have taught him some things are too good to be true.Cliche Then Trent and Serena Who are they? tell him there’s another family with the magic out there delete period, lower-case "who" view them as rivals, and unleashed this curse on them in hopes they’d take each other out. Who even stole their memories of their father and why they are the way they are. There are answers. A way to undo the curse and have their family back. An enemy they can fight. Vengeance. Absolution. A return to innocence. I like this paragraph, even though my internal editor does not. It has a nice flavor to it.
ReplyDeleteAnd all it takes is trusting the family that’s spent the last two years trying to kill him.
Some things, not even magic can do. Honestly, I'm not sure what you're referring to here.
A YA fantasy complete at 85,000 words, Dust to Dust is a story about growing up too fast, finding the strength to forgive, and loving your family even after they hurt you more than anyone else ever could.
_________________
I really like the sound of this. Good luck hacking it up. And thanks again for your comments on my query.
3/3
Rosie
East for Green Eyes
Wow, what a great response on your Query! And I agree that it's too long. But 250 isn't always the standard. My 350 word query lassoed me plenty of interest. So give yourself that extra hundred to play with, Kalen. As you know, I LURV your writing and am always impressed when I read it. I think the best advice so far is just to prune down the descrips of the family members and tighten wordage. As far as a hook, you've nailed it w/that first paragraph. Well done!
ReplyDeleteOkay, everyone's already said what I would've said, so you don't have to endure my red pen again. Either way, this kicks ass :D
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, blogfest--thing. I do think it's an awesome idea and hope it gets into full swing and stuff. Just, I have crit people (you know, like, uh, you) and I have a bunch of people I crit (er, right, that again). So I'm not trying to ignore you--I love it! Just, yeah. That.
You are SUCH a giver!
PS: The acting stuff is cool, I think. I mean, it's probably relevant to your writing life, too--everything always is. But I think people would be interested in it. I am!
So I was going to copy and paste your query and highlight the bits that I think you need to cut, but apparently my reviewing skills are getting better because it looks like I'd only be repeating what others have said. ;p
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I agree you could lose the middle of the first paragraph, plus I honestly think you don't need to mention any of the siblings names apart from Micah (obviously). I think if you did these two things, you would be almost there. Then it's just trimming a little more and polishing.
I love the premise, and love the query too. I'm only saying 'cut' because I know it's far too long. Agents are spoilsports. Hmmph.
Good luck, and thanks for commenting on my query!
Hi Kalen, I'm getting around a bit late to the query letter blogest, but hopefully I can still help.
ReplyDeleteI think you're story sounds so unique and interesting. I would definitely want to read more. But you're right, the query does need some shortening. Here are my comments (in two posts, it wouldn't fit in one):
All Micah wants for his sixteenth birthday is his family together to celebrate it with him. Easy in theory – until you factor in the curse that compels all nine Braddock children to try and kill each other on sight. Love this opening line.
Once Micah would have laughed at the idea any of his brothers or sisters would ever hurt him. Sure, they had their squabbles. I take it Micah is the MC in the story? I'd cut all this next section about the other siblings. Saying they squabble, especially since there's 9 of them, is a given. Trent was kind of an asshole. Alice always had her nose in everyone’s business, Serena thought she was better than everyone else, and Rowan never could figure out when his jokes weren’t funny and he needed to shut the hell up. But secrets bond kids tighter than mere blood ever could, and nothing makes for a better secret than growing up with magic.
I think this would be fine: Once Micah would have laughed at the idea any of his brothers or sisters would ever hurt him. Sure, they had their squabbles. But secrets bond kids tighter than mere blood ever could, and nothing makes for a better secret than growing up with magic.
They didn’t know where it came from, why it never worked the same way twice. Cam thought it was alive. They opened a door to let it out, and once it came through it did whatever it wanted. Each Braddock sibling opened the door with a different ‘key’ – Megan’s magic used fingerprints, Alice’s mirrors, the others shadows, blood, tears, echoes, coins, pictures and dust. Sometimes shadows made Trent invisible, other times they carried him halfway around the world. Sometimes Katey could make people hear voices that weren’t there, other times she was like a living echo, barely there herself. It was magic. It wasn’t supposed to make sense. So they let it be and just enjoyed the ride. This is all setup. Focus on the plot in the query. If you need to describe how unpredictable the magic is, try to keep it to one sentence. Also, try to avoid using too many names in the query, it can get a bit confusing.
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteI think this is where your query really starts. This is where we start getting into the conflict. Then Katey came home broken one night two years ago. I'm not sure what is meant by Katie coming home broken. Is she hurt? Mad? Specific details will up the tension. The first victim of the curse that led to them hunting each other across the globe in a deadly version of hide and go seek. But even as she shattered windows with the echoes of thunder, broke their mother’s sanity under the weight of a million whispered voices wailing for her ears alone, they looked for no further explanation. I'd cut this previous line, or at least shorten. As a reader I already know they're out to get each other. Now I want to know what they're going to do about it. It’d been foolish of them to reap its rewards without thinking they’d ever pay a price, and now the magic had come to collect.
Micah would give anything to go back to the way things were, but two years on his own have taught him some things are too good to be true. Then Trent and Serena tell him there’s another family with the magic out there. Who view them as rivals, and unleashed this curse on them in hopes they’d take each other out. Who even stole their memories of their father and why they are the way they are. There are answers. A way to undo the curse and have their family back. An enemy they can fight. Vengeance. Absolution. A return to innocence.
And all it takes is trusting the family that’s spent the last two years trying to kill him.
Some things, not even magic can do. I like this ending. It's strong.
A YA fantasy complete at 85,000 words, Dust to Dust is a story about growing up too fast, finding the strength to forgive, and loving your family even after they hurt you more than anyone else ever could. I'd cut most of this. Agents don't want to be told what the story is about, they want you to show them. I'd leave it at: DUST TO DUST is a 85,000 words YA fantasy.